Bastila's Tale
by tzchar
Summary: Based on Star Wars: Knights of the Old Republic (KoTOR). The fall and redemption of Bastila Shan, told from her point of view. 1 more chapter is in the works.
1. Revan and Malak

Author's note: this story is based on Star Wars: Knights of the Old Republic, one of the finest RPGs ever created. It is told from the point of view of Bastila Shan, the main female NPC and a fascinating character, as well as the male PC's love interest.

Comments and suggestions are welcome. I hope you enjoy.

_"There is no emotion, there is peace."_

"A…a kinrath pup?!" I demand, my eyes wide in indignation. "It most _certainly_ is not!"

He—Revan—hides a grin. "Mmhmm."

"I am a Jedi, remember? I have far too much mental discipline to reveal what goes on inside my mind with such obvious physical clues."

"Well," he says a shrug, "You keep staring at me. See anything you like?"

My jaw drops. "What--?! You—you are easily the vainest, most arrogant man I have _ever_ met! Besides," I add haughtily, "I know you can't be serious, since I was purposefully NOT staring in your direction." Hah. That will show him.

I blink. Wait a minute…

From across the room, Carth sniggers. I fix my glare on him, and the pilot goes into a coughing fit.

"It's okay, Bastila," Revan says brightly. "I think we both know the real reason you've been watching me." He makes an exaggerated wink.

"I—that is…" Unable to find the words, I stamp my foot at him. Childish, I know, but the man is absolutely, positively—

"…infuriating! You men! Is it impossible for you to set aside your ego and…" I force myself to stop and take a deep breath. Deeeep breath. "No, I will not do this." Inhale. "There is no emotion," exhale, "there is peace." I glare at him.

He just flashes a wide grin at me, dimples offsetting his strong jaw. Something in my stomach flutters. He is impossibly infuriating, true, as well as being incredibly stubborn and on occasion immature and he makes the most exasperating comments, _inane_, really…

…but he is also confident and kind and powerful, and thus far a paragon of virtue and the light. Someone I can look up to and be impressed by, someone who I can strive to follow as a worthy leader, admire as a person…and, perhaps, be a bit smitten with as a man.

Who would believe that this, then, was the Dark Lord of the Sith?

----------

_"There is no ignorance; there is knowledge."_

_One year ago._

Klaxons blare and emergency lights pulse across the bridge of the dreadnought. The Dark Lord's flagship has sustained massive damage from a full frontal barrage.

I raise my head from where I have fallen and see Malak's vessel, the Leviathan, accelerate away and then blink into hyperspace. So the apprentice fired on his master. Such is the way of the Sith, and the reason that they will never triumph. They have no concept of honor, or loyalty, or love.

A strangled cough brings my attention to the present. I ignore my aching body and turn to see the source of the noise. My eyes widen.

Darth Revan is crumpled on the ground, blood pooling beneath his visor. As I watch in morbid fascination, he shifts his head. A bubble of blood appears at the bottom of his mouthpiece. He grows still.

Something draws me to him. Perhaps the order from the Council to capture Revan alive. Or perhaps my determination that he should not escape so easily, that he must stand trial to face his many crimes. Maybe it is simply the knowledge that there have been too many deaths in this tragic war.

Whatever the case, I drag myself toward the fallen Sith Lord. My leg is pinned under debris, but a push of the Force and the wreckage is tossed aside. I crawl towards Revan.

Up close, he is terrifying. His cloak and robes are torn, revealing intricately designed body armor carved with runes and sigils of power. The armor is shattered and smoking.

Another bloody bubble. He is alive, but just barely. I feel his presence in the Force waning, a roaring fire reduced to a tiny, sputtering flame; a candle in the wind.

I hesitate before unlatching his mask, expecting at any moment that he will suddenly grab me, that those cold steel gauntlets will close around my throat and snuff out my life.

Nothing happens as I fumble around and find the release. The mask hisses gently, then allows me to pry it away. I am shocked by what I find.

I don't know what I was expecting, but certainly not…this.

The Dark Lord of the Sith is not an ancient, wrinkled monster nor a hideous beast. He is surprisingly young, barely older than me. A pale but handsome face is bathed in blood, with a lock of brown hair plastered to his forehead. His eyes are closed.

His breath grows shallow and I know I must make the choice now. And I do.

There, in the midst of the screaming klaxons and dying screams from all over the ship, I let myself sink into Darth Revan's soul.

I encounter horrors so dark and torturous that I reflexively jerk away. Even unconscious, his mental defenses batter at me with the force of a thousand hurricanes. I am tossed to and fro within the rolling storms of his mind.

I begin a hasty retreat—there is nothing I can do in this hell. Blackness latches to my soul and threatens to suffocate me.

But there in the distance, I see something that gives me pause. A tiny light, overshadowed by all the darkness but still visible. I swim toward it, every nerve tingling and alert.

"Hang on, Revan," I choke out the words. "Hang on."

The blackness drags me down and hinders my every move. I can feel my very being shrouded by the taint in the Sith Lord's body. But slowly, I make my way toward the light. I reach out and clasp it, recognize it for his life force. Once bright, it is now mottled by darkness and decay.

I am too late. I can feel the massive injuries and the internal bleeding. His heart begins to fail. He is dying.

No. I will not allow it.

I reach for the Force, gather all I can of life and light and pour it into him. The Force spreads throughout his body, and I can feel the worst of the wounds begin to mend.

It's not enough, so I give more. And more, and more, until I am drained to the point of exhaustion. But I have succeeded; Revan breathes on his own now. The Master of the Sith will live.

I manage a weak smile and promptly pass out.

 ----------

More than a year later, I stare at the Sith Lord whose life I saved.

"You're staring at me again, Bastila," he says, jarring me out of my reverie.

"I was not!" The words come as a reflex, even though I obviously am. In fact, I'm still staring. I sigh and bow my head. Here comes the usual teasing banter.

But he says nothing. I look up to see him studying me, concern on his features.

"What's wrong?" he asks. "Is everything all right?"

I look at his worried face and want to shout the words I have been holding back since the moment I met him in Tarsis. "You're Revan!" I want to scream, "Darth Revan, lord of the Sith, mass murderer and would be conqueror of the whole galaxy! You killed millions of people and betrayed the Jedi Council and—and…"

And he doesn't know a thing.

I cannot tell him. Even if the Council didn't forbid it, how do you take away a man's life—again? How do you tell him that his past is a lie, that he was in fact once the cruelest monster in the galaxy? 

Best that he never finds out. Best to finish this mission quickly, then part ways and never see each another again.

Yes, that would be best. Leave him to his new life of redemption. No matter if he knows nothing of his true past.

He smiles at me, blissful in his ignorance.

There is no ignorance, I remind myself. There is knowledge.

----------

 

_"There is no passion, there is serenity." _

 I take in the scene instantly. Revan stands alone before his former apprentice, the current Master of the Sith. No matter how powerful he has grown these past months, Revan is still no match for Malak. I must act.

A wave of the Force catches Malak by surprise and sends the dark lord stumbling into the next room. Another push and I cover the hallway in a single leap, lightsaber blazing.

"I'll hold Malak off! You two get out of here! Find the Star Forge!"

"No, Bastila!"

"For the Jedi!" I slam down the button to shut the blast doors, a move that will leave me alone with the Dark Lord.

"_NOO_!!" Revan's scream is cut off as the doors seal shut. I thrust him out of my mind to concentrate on the task at hand.

Malak faces me, his own sabers ignited. His jaw is hidden by an iron mask, but I can sense his cruel smile.

There is no emotion, there is peace. My heart pounds at my chest, refusing to believe me.

I charge, my swing already aimed at his neck, at the exact angle where the base of the skull meets the spine, and is thus the easiest spot at which to sever a head.

Where did that come from?

I know the answer as soon as I ask. One of the many things I learned from Revan while drowning in his mind.

My lightsaber crashes against Malak's, yellow meeting red in a blistering shower of sparks. We exchange blows, but he is the Dark Lord of the Sith and I am only a Jedi Padawan. I cannot penetrate his defenses.

He drives me back, his saber biting and lashing into me from every direction. My shoulder suddenly erupts in pain, leaving me a moment late on my parry. His blade drives into my leg and then across my ribs. I stagger and he brings his hilt into my face. My vision swims.

He flicks his hand and I go flying. I hit the wall full force; the impact is like being trampled by a bantha. I feel my arm shatter—my ribs follow—and I let out a sharp, pained gasp before crumpling to the ground.

The Dark Lord towers over me.

I snap my good arm up, all my willpower focused into a blast of Force that should send him into the ceiling.

He doesn't budge.

A whisper of Force and the saber jumps into my hand. Still lying there, I cut at him in desperation. Malak parries my attack with ease, then brings his boot down on my broken arm. My face contorts but I bite back and swallow the moan.

Then he grinds his heel down, digging it into the splinters of bone.

I am not proud to admit that I scream.

His blade whirls above my head, striking the wall several times. Sparks scald my face, but I can no longer feel the burns. With my last remaining ounce of consciousness, I extend shaking fingers to reach for my saber.

The metal boot comes down on my hand. There is a crunch and the world spins in darkness and pain. A choked sob escapes my lips.

"Bastila Shan," the cold, mechanical voice rasps above me. I hear it through a dizzy haze. "We meet at last."

A single thought rises through the blinding agony and my hatred for Malak. Revan will be safe. Knowing that, I can be at peace. No matter what happens.

There is no passion, there is serenity.

Everything goes black.

----------

_"There is no chaos, there is harmony." _

 It hurts…everywhere…

It's dark…cold…it hurts…

I have felt this way before…once…long ago…

When I was eight years old I ran away from the Jedi Council. Yes, I, Bastila Shan, favored student and pride of the masters.

It was…over a pet. I had found a stray pup wandering the streets of Coruscant, and brought him back to my quarters. I bribed and pleaded with the other students not to tell, but the masters found out anyway. The pup was taken away; students were not allowed to form bonds with anything but the Force.

Headstrong and brash, I was determined to run away with the pup and find my way back home. I hated Jedi training, the endless lectures and criticism, plus I missed my father terribly. I freed my pup and stole away at dawn.

We were several hours out of the city, in the middle of nowhere, when I turned my ankle on a rock and slid down the side of a cliff. I landed hard against a boulder, my leg twisted at the wrong angle. I lay there crying as the hours dragged on and night fell and no one came. The pup had long since left me.

The pain wasn't the worst part. It was the uncertainty, the fear that lying in a shallow ditch would be the last thing I would ever know.

A child's nightmare, now multiplied a thousand-fold.

Revan will come. He will.

The door opens. My heart leaps. Rev--

The suffocating stench of evil washes over me before I can complete the thought.

No, not Revan. Sweat breaks on my brow at the knowledge of what is coming next. I cannot hold back a shudder.

For a brief moment, I hate myself for my weakness.

Malak towers over me, gloating. I cannot hear him. In my mind's eye I am meditating in the chambers of the Jedi Council, at ease with the world. There is no emotion, there is peace.

Then it begins.

The peace is shattered as lightning burns into every inch of my body. I twist and jerk in my restraints. My mouth is wide open, screaming, but I cannot hear myself.

There is…no passion…there is…serenity.

Revan will come. He will.

The blasts intensify. A tiny part of my mind that is not screaming tells me that after this ends—if it ever ends—I will covered in scars and burns. My body will be too badly damaged to be healed by medicine or science or even the Force.

I hate myself for being so petty.

A small respite while Malak speaks. I find myself grateful for his words; they mean a break from the pain. My sweat has pooled on the stone slab, but I am chilled and cold beyond belief.

There is…no chaos…A violent shudder racks my body. There is harmony. __

Then it starts, again.

I scream, again.

Revan will come. He _will_.

----------

_One week later. _

 My head lolls on my shoulder. How long has it been? Minutes, hours, days weeks months years. What is happening now? Maybe the war is over and we have lost without my Battle Meditation and the power of the Star Forge has overwhelmed us and when I am released there will be no Republic no Jedi Council no emotion no peace. All because of me because I failed because I am not here to stop them they need my Battle Meditation but I am not there.

I rest my cheek against the stone. The rough surface is cool. Not burning. Nice.

So easy to just…give in. Nod and say yes when hecomes to the room. Easier. No more pain. No more burns. So much easier…

But there is something in the back of my mind that stops me from doing it. Not the code, I learned the code was false, there is no peace when your skin fries and your throat is bloody from screaming…no serenity no harmony just pain.

Something else…someone who will come…Revan, Revan will come. That is why I cannot will not give in because Revan will come.

I squint in the darkness. But Revan is the Dark Lord my mind is fogged why would the Dark Lord come would he hurt me more? A sudden panic seizes my body.

No Revan is not the Dark Lord he is good now a good Jedi there is no emotion there is peace except there is emotion, there is chaos, there is anger and hate and pain and ohhh there is pain.

The door opens. My head turns automatically to the sound. The familiar sight makes my stomach tighten. When he comes in he hurts me so badly. I retch but there is nothing to throw up nothing to eat since I was chained here.

"My dear Bastila," the voice floats in from a hundred miles away. "I have some terrible news."

I perk up maybe terrible for him means good for me?

"Revan is dead," he says sadly.

I stare at him in confusion.

"I know you thought he would come for you. But instead he was fleeing to Korriban. My fleets found him and destroyed his ship just hours ago; sadly, I could not stop them in time. Revan has been wiped off the face of the galaxy." 

Tears begin sliding down my cheeks. Revan was supposed to come save me but now he is dead if he's dead then who will save me no one. Without my Battle Meditation the Republic has fallen and there is no one left to come for me, nothing left for me just days and nights of lightning and knives and the smell of burning flesh.

I cannot stop the sobs. Malak is at my side.

"Poor Bastila," he whispers in his metallic voice. "You see now that you cannot rely on anyone, on anything to save you. There is nothing in the universe except your own strength."

I nod brokenly. Nothing but my own strength but I have no strength.

His voice becomes a seductive croon. "I can give you strength. I can stop the pain."

My head snaps up to look at him. Stop it yes please give me strength to end it.

"Just say the word, Bastila. Say it and you will never need to fear being weak and helpless ever again." 

Something in my head says to stop but I don't have to listen to it I can barely hear it and it doesn't matter anyway Revan isn't coming anymore. I try several times but my throat is brittle and raw and it hurts from screaming.

He stares at me, waiting. Finally the word comes out, with anguish and fear and hate and _desire_.

"Yes."

Malak laughs.

----------

"Your first lesson, apprentice. The Sith code. You will learn it, memorize it, live it. It will become a part of you."

I am kneeling before Malak, having assumed the ritual position of apprentice to master. "Yes, Master."

"Peace is a lie, there is only passion."

I repeat the words. I wince at the P's because my lips have not fully healed and it hurts to say them.

"Through passion, I gain strength."

I repeat the words. Strength. I want strength, need strength. To never again be reduced to helplessness, to be forced to rely on another. There will only be strength through passion. Fury and hate enough to fuel me.

"Through strength, I gain power. Through power, I gain victory. Through victory, my chains are broken. The Force shall set me free." I chant the words.

Malak nods in approval. "You know the tenants of the Sith Code. And now you understand how the Jedi Council held you back, refused to allow you to gain the strength that would have made you better than them. It would have made you too powerful and dangerous for their purposes. They sought to control you, to twist you, to forge you into their mindless puppet."

My eyes flare. "Yes, Master."

"And how do you feel about them, apprentice?"

"I hate them, Master," I say. And I do. The rage boils inside me.

I do not have to look up to feel Malak's approval. 

 ----------

Our weapons clash. I have replaced my crystal, reforming my lightsaber into a true tool of the Sith. It glows red instead of yellow now, mirroring the change in my soul. We draw walls of blood that hum and crackle and explode in sparks when they meet.

It is like our fight on the Leviathan. But this time, I am no Jedi weakling who struggles to keep her emotions in check. Instead I am fueled by the passion denied me by the Council. Each attack is bolstered by rage, strengthened by hate. I cut and slash and parry with blood boiling in my veins. I luxuriate in the venom welling up inside my soul.

My blows drive Malak back. He stumbles, but immediately regains his balance and forces me to my knees with a wave of his hand. He is still stronger, faster, better.

For now.

"Well done, my apprentice" he says. "I feel the strength within you."

Still kneeling, I bow my head. "Through strength, I gain power, Master."

"You will make an excellent apprentice."

"Yes, Master." I will.

For now.


	2. Showdown on the Temple

Part II

I can sense him below, a brightly burning presence in the Force that obliterates anything standing in its way. He is indeed powerful, as much so as one can be when following the weakness of the light. But he will be no match for me. Lord Malak has assured me of that.

I stand at the peak of the Temple, waiting. It is not long before the familiar figure appears across the courtyard. Something in my heart moves, but I have learned to crush that feeling, that weakness.

There is nothing but passion and strength and power.

He sees me and breaks into a run, his eyes alive with hope. But as he draws near his step falters; he senses the difference between the woman standing before him and the weakling he once knew. He stumbles to a halt, Juhani and Jolee rushing in behind him.

I saunter toward him, my hips swaying. "Revan." The word rolls off my tongue. "I knew you'd come for me. Malak thought you might be afraid to enter the temple again, but he doesn't know you like I do. Not anymore. Not since you've changed."

"Quickly, Bastila – come with us!" Juhani, the fool, exclaims. "We have to escape before Malak arrives!" Revan says nothing, just stares at me. He knows better.

"Escape?" My voice drips contempt. "Escape from what? I have sworn allegiance to Lord Malak and the Sith; I am no longer a pawn of the Jedi Council."

Revan flinches at each word, the weak fool. "A pawn of…what…?"

I direct my words at him, drive them home. "You of all people should know what I mean, Revan. Look at what the Council did to you: they turned you into their puppet! The same thing they do to all who are truly strong in the Force."

Revan's mouth works. He glances at Jolee, who shakes his head in bewilderment, then looks back to me. "Bastila, what are you saying? You can't believe that—the dark side—"

"The dark side!" I spit the words. "You say that as if the 'dark side' is some terrible entity. The Jedi Council has brainwashed you like all the others, like they did with me. They speak of the 'dark side' as if it is something to be feared. But their true goal is to manipulate those strong in the Force." Revan shakes his head, but my voice only grows louder. "The fear of the dark side is a tool to maintain control. Why do you think the Jedi forbade you and Malak from joining the Mandalorian Wars? They knew you would realize your true potential and break free of their domination."

"No—" he protests, but I ignore him.

"Malak has shown me how the Jedi Council used me, the same way they once tried to use you. They've been holding me back, because they knew one day I would surpass them all."

"Bastila." His voice is soft but I hear the steel and anguish lurking behind the words. "_What did Malak do to you_?"

His expression tugs at something inside me, but I ignore it. "Oh, I resisted at first. I endured the Sith torments with the passionless serenity of a true Jedi, emptying my mind. After all, 'there is no emotion, there is peace.'" My words are mocking. "But Malak made me see the truth." …with pain and knives and the smell of burning flesh and screams that last until your cries are just part of the background… "He forced me to acknowledge my anger and pain, showed me the…liberating power of these emotions."

Revan has taken each of my words as an almost physical blow. His shoulders slump. "No, Bastila…"

My rage, hidden for so long, now rises to the surface. "Malak made me see how the Jedi Council denied me what was rightfully mine. They were eager to use my Battle Meditation in their wars, but they still treated me like a child—like an inferior! They were jealous of my power – of what I could become!" My fists are clenched. "They wanted me to bow and call them Master and follow their code and obey their orders. But all the while they exploited me for their own ends."

"Bastila," Revan pleads. "Those are Sith lies. Don't believe them."

"Lies?" I chuckle. "You're the one living a lie, Revan. You used to be Revan, Master of the Sith, but now you are a pawn of the Jedi and the Republic they serve. I was, too, until Malak freed me from their shackles."

I pause, studying him, then shake my head. "A pity the power you once had is so diluted. You could have been like I am now…or even stronger. But that will never happen. Malak will use the power of the Star Forge to destroy the Republic and rule the galaxy." My hand steals toward the hilt of my double-bladed saber and my body shifts ever so slightly, coiling like a serpent. "And I will be the apprentice at his side, after I prove my worth—"

—my blade ignites and I lunge—

"—by killing you!"

I am on top of him before he can possibly react; a Sith warrior moves in the space between eyeblinks.  But this is Revan, Jedi Knight and former Master of the Sith, and though he has cast off that mantle I can still feel the power emanating from him. He moves so fast his body is a blur even to me, knocks aside my blade and reflexively slams the hilt of his saber into my stomach. I double over with a gasp and he pulls away, guilt etched on his features.

"Stay back!" he snaps at the two Jedi accompanying him. They obey, extinguishing their blades, while Revan and I circle one another.

He moves in a purely defensive pattern, making no effort to attack. I pause, but then understand. He is too weak to strike at me. Held back by that foolish emotion he thinks he feels. Love.

Where was that love when I burned at Malak's hands?

I charge again, closing the distance between us in an instant, but he is no longer there. Behind me. I pivot to drive my saber into his chest, but it is picked off cleanly by his own blade. Our weapons lock in a harsh screech; I press but he is too strong.

I pull back with a shriek, then proceed to hammer at him with all my strength. Fueled by hatred and fury, blows that would cut steel and drive even Malak back are met and turned aside with ease. Revan remains untouchable behind a humming wall of defense, his face filled with sorrow.

I finally break away, panting and glaring at him. He isn't even breathing hard, just stares at me with pained eyes.

Those eyes…

I snarl and shake my head to clear my mind. Peace is a lie, there is only passion.

Through passion I gain strength.

I explode forward, slashing at his ribs.

Faster than lightning, he catches my blade with his, jerks it up and wide, trying to disarm me. I keep my grip on the saber and my foot lashes out at him. He rolls away.

Through strength I gain power. Through power I gain victory.

My lightsaber is a crimson blur as my attacks whip at every possible weak point. His eyes. The throat. One to the neck. His chest, shoulder, stomach. The groin. Hamstring. He parries or dodges the blows, foolishly refusing to counter, and I press him against the wall. I raise my blade for the killing stroke.

Through victory my chains are broken.

A shift in the Force and I can sense Jolee and Juhani charging at me. A snarling Juhani is already in mid leap, sabers blazing.

I raise my arm to the sky and summon the Force, savoring its unbridled power before I unleash it on my opponents.

The Force shall set me free. An explosion of might hurls the two Jedi to the ground like trees snapping in the wind. 

Revan stands before me, unaffected.

My eyes widen. I stare at him, panting. "You…you're stronger than I thought possible, after what the Jedi Council did to you. Perhaps Malak was wrong…perhaps the power of the dark side isn't lost to you after all, Revan."

"I am not Revan," he says. He extinguishes his blade and lowers it cautiously to his side. For a moment I am tempted to charge, but his eyes gleam and I know he knows and it will be futile.

Though it shames me to admit it, I am not strong enough to defeat him—not like this. Not yet.

But victory need not come from combat. I turn to words.

"You can deny what you are, Revan, but you only fool yourself. I know the truth—I've seen the darkness in your mind. I was there when you almost died in the Council's trap; I used the Force to preserve your life. We are forever linked by my actions on that bridge."

And indeed I can sense it now, that shimmering strand of Force that connects our very beings. I probe deeper into the bond, see him wince as I dive into his private thoughts. Fear and confusion and betrayal and…passion? Longing?

Then suddenly I am pushed away and locked out, as his mental shields clamp down and deny me. His mind is calm and smooth as the surface of a polished lake.

But I have caught a glimpse of the raging storm underneath; I know exactly where and how to strike.

"We are linked by more than just a bond, Bastila," he says softly. "That's how I know you will come back to the light."

I snort in disdain. "Those aren't your true feelings, Revan. You speak as a tool of the Jedi Council, like I once was. The Jedi used us both…they tried to exploit our bond, hoping I would draw out your memories and lead them to the Star Forge. We were slaves to their will—like everyone who follows the Jedi Code!"

He shakes his head, but I press on. "But when I saved your life on your flagship, when we shared our visions of the Star Map, I also felt the darkness within you. I resisted it at first, but now I understand and embrace its power. _Your _power!"

He has drawn back, staring at me. "I…I caused this? Caused you to fall?" The calm is broken; his face is a mask of guilt.

Jolee and Juhani begin to stir; I do not have long. "Listen to me, Revan," I urge. "I did not 'fall.' I have been reborn in the wake of destiny—_your _destiny! The power of the dark side is yours by right." I throw myself behind the passion of my words. "_You _deserve to be the true Master of the Sith, not Malak; I see this now. Together we can destroy your old apprentice. Join me and reclaim your destiny!"

"I. am. not. Revan." He bites off the words.

I wave that protest away. "Your mind was too badly damaged to fully restore your memories, Revan. But your power, your strength of will, the essence of who and what you are: these things still remain! Years ago you defied the Jedi Council and freed yourself from their control. You claimed your title as Dark Lord of the Sith—and you can claim it once again. Together we can defeat Malak and take back what is yours!" He is frozen, staring at me. "Together, Revan," I press forward. "Together again."

I see the sudden, desperate longing in his eyes, and exult inwardly. He does want me! He would do it! Behind all the nonsense of Jedi codes and peace and honor is a man who yearns for me at his side, and desperately seeks a reason to give in.

I can sense the battle raging within him. He wants so very much to believe me. "I—how can I trust you?" he pleads. "How do I know you won't betray me again?"

I smile, expecting the question and wanting—needing—to give my answer. "Because I no longer need to deny my passions, Revan. I would stand by your side gladly, as your lover and apprentice." He swallows at those words. "I swore allegiance to Malak only because I thought you had lost the power you once held. But this... this would be _much _better."

His will is wavering. So very close… "I would be _utterly_ yours, master." I lick my lips and watch his eyes flare. "Together we would destroy Malak and you would reclaim the mantle of Dark Lord!"

I take a step forward, letting my hunger for him show on my face.  His body trembles and he takes an involuntary step toward me. Yes!

"Don't do this, kid." Jolee has finally stirred. I hear him and hatred wells up inside me. How dare he! He and the Jedi Council, doddering old fools who tried to keep me first from my destiny and now from my rightful place at Revan's side!

"Shut up, old man!" I hiss. "Your time is over—the Republic and the Jedi will fall. This is the age of Darth Revan and the Sith!"

Revan doesn't seem to have heard our exchange. Sweat trickles down his brow and his teeth grit together. I can sense the raging passion swirling beneath his facade, threatening to burst over the dam created by the Jedi Council to rein in the Dark Lord of the Sith. He takes a slow, agonizing step toward me, then another. We are almost close enough to touch. He reaches for me; his hand hovers in midair.

The moment lasts an eternity.

And then he lowers his arm. His face is torn with sadness but also resolve. For some reason my heart drops. He has rejected me. He will leave and forget me, just as he did after I was captured by Malak.

I wonder briefly where that notion came from, then banish the thought.

"No," he says. "I…I don't want you like this. I want the woman I knew."

I do not believe his words. A man of such power wants…the woman he knew? That weakling? Why would he…?

"Please, Bastila…if you feel anything for me, come back to the light." His eyes plead with me. "I don't want to rule the galaxy. I just want you to come back to me."

The simple words strike like a poisoned dagger, twisting cruelly at my heart. For the first time since joining Malak, I am unsure of myself. "I…I don't…"

"Bastila…" Only a whisper, but it makes me tremble and I suddenly feel weak. His hand touches mine, scalds my very skin. I snatch my arm away.

"No!" I cry. Why did I – why am I – I must leave this place at once! I must flee, I cannot face him. Not now. Not like this. I turn tail and run, ignoring the thought of what Lord Malak will do to me when he learns of my defeat.

I race to my ship, hear the pounding of boots on concrete as Revan chases after me. I must stop him! I cannot do it directly, but…

I concentrate and a burst of the Force explodes the ground at his feet, causing him to stumble. I leap onto my ship, slam down the controls to take off and leave this foul planet forever.

As the vessel rises in the air, I make the mistake of glancing out my viewport. Revan stares back at me.

I try to turn away, but I cannot. Our eyes are locked together.

The figure grows smaller and smaller until it is only a speck in the distance, and then I am gone.


	3. The Star Forge

Part III

_"You're rationalizing, Bastila. You're just scared to face the truth."_

_"You're the one who can't face the truth! Malak has to be stopped. How can I do that if I let myself be blinded by my…my feelings for you?"_

_"I _will_ stop him. But I want to do it with you at my side."_

_Silence._

_"You... you mean it, don't you? But…how can I be sure you aren't making a mistake? I...no, I have to resist. I have to be strong, for both of us."_

_"You don't always have to be strong. Give in, just this once."_

_"But I don't... I mean, I can't... the Council—Malak will..." _

_"Shut up and kiss me, you babbling fool." His voice is husky. _

_My breath catches in my throat. "Oh, my…" _

----------

My head jerks as the Sith officer enters the room, shattering my reverie.

"I left orders not to be interrupted!" I snarl at him.

He bows low. "My apologies, Lady Bastila. But Lord Malak has summoned you to the command center. At once, he says. "

I stifle my anger and push past the man. I briefly consider frying him with a jolt of lightning—he sees the dark expression on my face and blanches—but Lord Malak has summoned me. I must go.

I have put aside my memories of Revan by the time I reach the Star Forge's control room. Now I pause to collect my emotions and hide them behind the blank wall I learned to erect long ago as a child. My…weaknesses must not be exposed to him, lest he consider me a failure and cast me aside.

I know that I would not survive the fall.

 ----------

"Master, why have you summoned me?" I ask as I stride into the room. Best to speak first and direct the conversation, rather than give him a chance to probe my mind. "Without my Battle Meditation, the Republic ships could break through our lines and attack the Star Forge itself."

Malak is studying an enormous holographic projection which depicts the battle raging outside. "This will not take long, Bastila." His mechanical voice sends chills down my spine. "You will be able to resume your meditation soon enough. I wanted you to know that Revan is here on the Star Forge."

An indescribable flurry of emotion tightens my heart. "Revan? But..."

Luckily, Malak is too preoccupied with his own thoughts to notice mine. "The Force is bringing us towards a confrontation with my old master." His voice is a growl. "The Star Forge has drawn our enemies together so they may all die in a single, glorious day!"

He turns and his eyes drill into mine; I feel exposed beneath his gaze. "And now you must prove yourself worthy of being my apprentice, Bastila. You must finish what began in the Rakatan Temple."

I stiffen.

"You must kill Revan."

My mouth works. "I…y-yes, Lord Malak."

He mistakes my hesitance. "I sense your fear, Bastila. But it is unfounded. The power of the Star Forge will feed the darkness within you. It will give you the strength you need to defeat my old master." He steps toward me. Up close, his aura is terrifying and I fight the urge to shrink away. "Stay here in the command center while you use your Battle Meditation, and Revan will find you. It is inevitable."  
 

"Of course, Master." My voice is forcibly calm now. "I will not fail you again."

"See that you do not." A swirl of his cloak and he is gone.

My legs are suddenly weak and I sink to my knees. Revan… staring at me from the roof of the Rakatan temple…

_"Bastila…"_

With a mental snarl, I banish the thought and harden my heart. I will not allow myself to fall victim to such pitiful weakness. Not again.

He dies by my hand.

----------

_"There is no death, there is the Force."_

Our lightsabers illuminate the room as we face off in the command center of the Star Forge, the heart of darkness.

We are locked in a stalemate. Revan is still stronger than I, but true to Malak's words, the Star Forge re-energizes me in the midst of our battle. Dark power washes through my body, healing my wounds and feeding me strength, while Revan is slowly pushed to the point of exhaustion.

It is inevitable.

Our sabers meet in a blaze of sparks. I ignore my defense and accept a cut on my shoulder in order to slash at his leg. My saber bites into flesh and he staggers.

I leap away, my shoulder already healed. He clutches his leg and grimaces.

"Now you recognize the power of the Star Forge." My words are gloating. "Here, the dark side is at its strongest, and it fuels me with power. This time, Revan, you will not win."

He shakes his head. "You don't believe those words, Bastila." His voice is tired. "The light side will always be stronger than the dark."

I laugh. "Still parroting the words of the Council like a good little Jedi, I see. Tell me, Revan,"—I lunge at him, swinging, but he is too fast—"was it easy to forgive them for raping your mind?" We exchange blows and he leaps away, but I follow and am on top of him.

His saber is an impenetrable blur; I pull back but lunge and strike again and again, giving him no quarter. Droplets of his sweat sizzle as they land on our blades. He finally manages to break away. His breath comes in short pants.

I smile.

"This will end soon, Revan. You were a fool to come here, a fool to underestimate the power of the dark side" I twirl my staff and crouch low. "Even you cannot overcome the power of the Star Forge. After I—after your death," for some reason I stumble on the words, "I will serve at Malak's right hand. We will crush the Republic and rule the galaxy."

He stares at me. Then, suddenly, something comes over his face and his breathing slows. He straightens his body and stands tall.

"You don't truly believe those words, do you?" There is a note of wonder in his voice. "I can still feel the light within you."

His words and the look on his face give me pause, but I shake off any doubts and tighten my grip on the hilt of my saber. "I am a Sith apprentice now. You place too much faith in what I once was…and for that you will pay." My blade hovers menacingly.

His face is set and his eyes bore into mine. With inhuman calm, he extinguishes his saber and lowers it to his side.

"Then strike me down, Bastila. I won't defend myself."

My eyes narrow. "What?!" I hiss. "What trick is this?"

"No trick." He raises his hands, palms facing me. "We meant something to each other, once. You will not attack me."

I stiffen at the words but there is no hint of Force compulsion behind them. They are just words. If he were attempting to overpower my mind, I could at least respect him. But this…I want to spit at his weakness.

His weakness…to stand thus unarmed… Does he truly believe I would not…? My blade dips uncertainly. How could he…?

"Draw your weapon!" I bark at him.

He doesn't move, just stares at me.

My mouth opens, but no sound comes out. He would—unarmed—I cannot—I must Malak ordered it—how can I—I must! Peace is a lie there is only passion! I must!

The torrent of words escapes as a battle cry. I rear back, ready to strike.

He doesn't move.

My blade arcs through the air.

He doesn't move.

I behead him in one clean stroke.

Or rather, I try to. My blade stops inches from his neck, hissing and crackling.

He doesn't move.

I can go no further. The saber weighs so little, yet my arm shakes with the effort of holding it aloft.

The hilt falls from lifeless fingers, its fire abruptly stilled. "I can't…" The sensations are overwhelming.

Tears run down my face as I collapse.

----------

A gentle hand touches my shoulder. I look up to see Revan kneeling before me.

"Get away from me!" I scream. He draws back as if stung. I lower my head until my forehead touches the cold steel floor.

Too much. Too much pain. Too much suffering. Too much death and destruction and betrayal and darkness. My shoulder shake with each sob. It is too much.

Unbidden, the words of the Jedi Code float into my mind. _There is no emotion, there is peace. _

Where did that come from?

_There is no passion, there is serenity. _

I look up through tear-streaked eyes to see Revan staring intently at me.

_There is no chaos, there is harmony. _

And then I understand. He shares the words through our bond.

"Enough," I whisper. I rise shakily to my feet, head bowed. "You are brave…and foolish. But you are right. The dark side has not wholly consumed me. I cannot raise my blade against you."

"Bastila…" His voice is gentle.

I look away, unable meet his eyes. "I... I know a flicker of the light still burns within me. Malak felt it too. He knew it could only be extinguished if I…killed you." My body trembles and my voice grows bitter. "But what good is a single flicker of light against the sea of darkness I am drowning in? I can never atone for my betrayal; I cannot be redeemed. I am not strong enough."

He takes a step forward. "Take your strength from me."

Our eyes meet, and a faint smile touches my lips. "Heh. You... always had more strength than I did. I told you that. I felt so helpless before your destiny."

He returns the smile. "But you still protected me. You even 'rescued' me on Tarsis, remember?"

My mouth twitches but a chuckle manages to escape. I find myself laughing at that memory of our meeting on Tarsis. It seems so very long ago, when the world was so much brighter.

Revan joins in and we laugh together. The tension seeps from my body in an emotional catharsis. It leaves me weak, but also strengthens my resolve. I know what must happen, and I can accept my fate.

I wipe the tears from my cheeks, still smiling. "Even now I feel your strength, Revan. It does help me. Thank you. I think…I think I can face the end, now…" the words come in a rush, "…if you are the one to end it for me." I pause to take a deep, shuddering breath before plunging ahead. "For the sake of what we once shared, I ask you to take my life."

"Never." His response comes before I have finished my request. Something clenches tightly around my heart and refuses to let go.

"Please," I beg. I turn my head so he will not see the weakness on my face. "This is too painful. Strike me down. End this now, quickly. There is no other way."

"I will not," he growls.

"What other choice do you have?" I demand. My gaze has drawn back to his and our eyes are locked. "I have fallen to the dark side. I have killed…killed so many. Too many. And I am the apprentice to the dark lord himself. You cannot let me live."

"I could never hurt you, Bastila." His eyes bore into mine. His voice is barely a whisper, but it echoes throughout the chamber.

"I love you."

The declaration strikes me with almost physical force. My heart jumps. To hear that from him…even after I have… I could almost believe…no. I must not…I must…

I cannot stop myself. "You…love me...?" I whisper in awe. The words sound strange from my lips, but they are perfect. I suddenly feel very small but very important and wonderful and peaceful. Is this, then…to love?

He stares at me. I give a tiny shake of my head. "Strange. There was a time when I longed to…and dreaded…to hear those words." My mouth is suddenly dry, but I must continue. He must hear this, come what may. "I…this may not be the best time to say it, but…"

His eyes are brilliant.

"I love you too. With all my heart."

The look on his face, awe and wonder mixed with such joy, almost makes me weep. To bring happiness to such a man…I am not worthy of his love.

That loud clatter is his saber falling to the ground. Two quick strides brings him to me and we embrace with an urgency that borders on violence. I clutch at his strong frame, tears streaming down my face. Months of emotion and passion and chaos and fear and anger and longing and love pour out. I sob like a child.

He says nothing, just holds me tightly.

Finally the tears subside. My hiccup breaks the silence. Startled, we both laugh.

"I love you," I whisper against his chest.

"You aren't afraid to love anymore?" he asks, stroking my hair. His touch is both gentle and wonderful.

A bittersweet smile. "After this? No, nothing could make me feel safer than to be loved by you." And the words ring true. In the midst of a raging firefight, standing in the command center of the Star Forge, the throne room of the Dark Lord's greatest power, I have never felt safer than here in his arms. Here there is no Malak, no dark side, no Sith, no war.

Here, I have found my peace.

I know it cannot last. In a few moments he must retrieve his saber and finish what he started so many years ago; he will face his former apprentice in a battle to decide the fate of the galaxy. And I must turn my Battle Meditation against the Sith Fleet I had been supporting just moments earlier. We have our responsibilities, to the Council and the Republic and the Code, and to the galaxy.

But for now, we have each other.


End file.
